I'm on the College's shit list because I have some forms missing from my erstwhile file apparently. I thought everything was in there and all was copacetic...but no....
Frustrating and very embarassing because this Black List goes to all the faculty and it will be discussed at the next College Faculty Mtg in a few weeks and I so do not need more crap raining down all over my head right now. Yes, it's probably mostly my fault somehow, and resubmitting the forms isn't so bad (rewriting other parts ARE a pain in the a$$), so i guess my whining is mostly about the embarassment at being called out, pointed to, shown up as a 'bad student'.
There are so many more important things both for me, and the College, to worry about really. sheesh.
Part of the reason at least one form is incorrect (and it IS in the file, and it WAS done on time) is because they have clued in to the fact that I need a new advisor now. This is one of the things causing me the most frustration, headaches, and heartache truly. Prof S, my Advisor, is leaving Metro U to go to Big Better U. And while I honestly, truly wish Prof S well and think this is the absolute best professional move, I am personally devastated.
Prof is not just my Advisor, but my Mentor and friend. The person who is the buffer between me and the insanity of the petty fiefdom of the rest of the College-- cause Prof S 'don't take no shit' (being tenured helps!!). Prof S can help me cut through the crap, figure out what is really important, and find ways to get done what I WANT to do--not just what others want me to do. I have known Prof S since my return to grad school for MS (waaaaay before I ever thought about staying for the PhD) and while I think I knew for the past year or so that this move was possible (because the crap going around in my College is enough to drive anyone nuts--and sometimes you just can't take it anymore), I still hoped it wouldn't really happen. And now everything is going at warp speed and before summer practically starts, Prof S will be gone.
I'm so damn busy and swamped right now, and end of term is crashing down, that I can barely deal with it all, let alone process this new blow. It's like grieving in a way. All I really want to do is curl up in a ball and wail for a while. And I think I better do just that for a while soon, cause Prof S's farewell party is coming up in a few weeks, and if I don't want to wind up bawling in front of the whole damn College, I gotta get some of this out BEFORE then. oh man.
I want to write Prof S a letter (and get a really kick ass nice gift!) to really say how much our relationship has meant to me. Prof S is the educator I strive to be-- who does research not just because it is what will get some grant or published in a particular journal, but because it's what's needed in the field-- by the practitioners. Prof S wants the best from students and pushes to get it, and we all are so much better for it. Prof S wants students to be prepared for entering the field, and to give back, to see the big picture. I learned more in Prof S's classes than in maybe any class-- EVER. I know I learned more about myself and what I wanted to do with my life-- no, what I was MEANT to do with my life-- from Prof S. Way before I started reading blogs like ABD Mom, Bitch PhD , ArticulateDad, PhDMe and so many others, Prof S was my role model for balancing academia and family life. For knowing when to say 'when', to give it your all in the classroom, to do great research, and to still be a real person with a real life. And I'm sure it took many hard years, and much blood, sweat and tears to make that happen. Still, that's what I aspire to. And while I can continue our relationship from a distance, and still receive wisdom and guidance via email and phone calls, it won't be quite the same. As much as I love Advocate (who will be my likely new advisor), A isn't Prof S. Different, wonderful, inspiring too-- but not the same and not the same connection and not the same protection from of the cruelties of academia.
In the long run it will help me more in my career that Prof S is at Big Better U, it will make Prof S much happier, and that makes me glad.
But in the meanwhile...I can't deal well with it. I'm sad, depressed and floundering a bit. Not sure how things play out (in my studies and in how we really continue our relationship).
In the meanwhile...
like a giant vortex... a black hole in the academic cosmos...a personal tidal whorl...
...this sucks.
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