You get one shot

I pretty much took the weekend off from school work.
Given the amount of work I have to do, the tardiness of a good deal of it, and the degree of anxiety I currently feel-- not bright. Brave, perhaps, but not bright.

But dammit, necessary.

Because you only get one shot at life and you have to live it right the first time. No matter what movies and tv shows may lead us to believe, time travel is not (perhaps, "yet") possible, and I don't get a magic 'do-over' at some point. And would I even 'waste' it on going back to do more homework in grad school??? I think not!!
So I'll manage somehow, and pull something out of my butt, like usual. And whatever happens, happens. In the meantimeI enjoy the time I have and how I use it, and the people I spend it with.

Maybe this is all part of hopefully turning a corner on the bleakness I've been feeling amid the stress and frustration of my life. Which I often don't feel entitled to bitch about since all of this is of my own choosing. Of course, I feel that doesn't absolve the situation from complaint-- not that everyone agrees with me on it. Just because I chose to go back to grad school, that I chose this is as my career change and career path, and just becuase it is hard work (as expected), doesn't mean that I lose the right to moan, bitch, whine and complain. Yes I must try and do a bit less of that, and yes I must try and just get my ass in gear and get some of this crap done rather than merely complain about it. But dammit, i still get to complain sometimes.

Maybe lessons learned today away from school work (on the golf course actually) can be applied to rest of life too. See, I had a very frustrating half hour or so warming up, trying to get ready to play golf with DH for first time in many weeks. Hadn't touched a club in weeks. And all of a sudden it's like I forgot how to play the whole damn game. Like I was a whirling monkey or something, flailing away at the sod. Not good. So very not good. Ready to chuck it all, toss the clubs in a lake, not even pay to play, and go crawl under a rock.
Thankfully DH wouldn't let me do that just yet, and valiantly reminded me to stay positive and take it one shot at a time. Yes, so cliched, and yet so true. Besides, DH says, it's a great day out, we're hanging out together, and you never know what might happen. Remember the good stuff. And actually playing wasn't nearly as bad as the practice-- maybe I got all the crappy shots out of the way on the range.

Sooooo..... in the rest of my life, I need to get more positive, and rememer that just because one part sucks, the rest doesn't have to; to stay positive and remember the good stuff and what I do right, stop dwelling on mistakes; stop being so damn hard on myself (god, I'm my own harshest critic by far!); and be open to what comes next. I hope I can actually make half of that stick.

I have to. I only get one shot at life and it shouldn't be spent being miserable so often.

It's always the little things

...that come back to bite you in the a$$.
I'm on the College's shit list because I have some forms missing from my erstwhile file apparently. I thought everything was in there and all was copacetic...but no....
Frustrating and very embarassing because this Black List goes to all the faculty and it will be discussed at the next College Faculty Mtg in a few weeks and I so do not need more crap raining down all over my head right now. Yes, it's probably mostly my fault somehow, and resubmitting the forms isn't so bad (rewriting other parts ARE a pain in the a$$), so i guess my whining is mostly about the embarassment at being called out, pointed to, shown up as a 'bad student'.
There are so many more important things both for me, and the College, to worry about really. sheesh.

Part of the reason at least one form is incorrect (and it IS in the file, and it WAS done on time) is because they have clued in to the fact that I need a new advisor now. This is one of the things causing me the most frustration, headaches, and heartache truly. Prof S, my Advisor, is leaving Metro U to go to Big Better U. And while I honestly, truly wish Prof S well and think this is the absolute best professional move, I am personally devastated.

Prof is not just my Advisor, but my Mentor and friend. The person who is the buffer between me and the insanity of the petty fiefdom of the rest of the College-- cause Prof S 'don't take no shit' (being tenured helps!!). Prof S can help me cut through the crap, figure out what is really important, and find ways to get done what I WANT to do--not just what others want me to do. I have known Prof S since my return to grad school for MS (waaaaay before I ever thought about staying for the PhD) and while I think I knew for the past year or so that this move was possible (because the crap going around in my College is enough to drive anyone nuts--and sometimes you just can't take it anymore), I still hoped it wouldn't really happen. And now everything is going at warp speed and before summer practically starts, Prof S will be gone.

I'm so damn busy and swamped right now, and end of term is crashing down, that I can barely deal with it all, let alone process this new blow. It's like grieving in a way. All I really want to do is curl up in a ball and wail for a while. And I think I better do just that for a while soon, cause Prof S's farewell party is coming up in a few weeks, and if I don't want to wind up bawling in front of the whole damn College, I gotta get some of this out BEFORE then. oh man.

I want to write Prof S a letter (and get a really kick ass nice gift!) to really say how much our relationship has meant to me. Prof S is the educator I strive to be-- who does research not just because it is what will get some grant or published in a particular journal, but because it's what's needed in the field-- by the practitioners. Prof S wants the best from students and pushes to get it, and we all are so much better for it. Prof S wants students to be prepared for entering the field, and to give back, to see the big picture. I learned more in Prof S's classes than in maybe any class-- EVER. I know I learned more about myself and what I wanted to do with my life-- no, what I was MEANT to do with my life-- from Prof S. Way before I started reading blogs like ABD Mom, Bitch PhD , ArticulateDad, PhDMe and so many others, Prof S was my role model for balancing academia and family life. For knowing when to say 'when', to give it your all in the classroom, to do great research, and to still be a real person with a real life. And I'm sure it took many hard years, and much blood, sweat and tears to make that happen. Still, that's what I aspire to. And while I can continue our relationship from a distance, and still receive wisdom and guidance via email and phone calls, it won't be quite the same. As much as I love Advocate (who will be my likely new advisor), A isn't Prof S. Different, wonderful, inspiring too-- but not the same and not the same connection and not the same protection from of the cruelties of academia.

In the long run it will help me more in my career that Prof S is at Big Better U, it will make Prof S much happier, and that makes me glad.

But in the meanwhile...I can't deal well with it. I'm sad, depressed and floundering a bit. Not sure how things play out (in my studies and in how we really continue our relationship).
In the meanwhile...
like a giant vortex... a black hole in the academic cosmos...a personal tidal whorl...

...this sucks.

Just because

More time-sucks....
...after finding the 'gay childhood icon quiz' this too was a hoot. and unsettingly close to reality. hmmmmm...

I really must do some actual work at night instead of surfing, reading, and goofing. I am never going to get anywhere if I keep this up.

My, what would Bert do?

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

News flash...I was wrong

Ok...quick post cause I'm already up way too damn late...again.

Anyway, I think it only fair to 'apologize' for trashing Majesty in anticipation of the appearance as sub for my stats course on Monday night. Granted, I should've figured that ANYONE other than Prof. Lame-duck could have taught a better class.
It's not that he's evil, or mean, or harsh---he's actually quite nice-- just clueless and not a very good prof, certainly not of stats. Bad methods. Feel sorry really. Except that I'm the one getting screwed cause now I really don't know how to do all those complex statistical analyses that I will one day have cause to use in my own research. How on earth do I write a research proposal and defend it when I still have no clue as to the best approach for gathering data, and what to do with it after I've got it?? Oh, so not good....

Anyway, I had dreaded Majesty's appearance in stats, cause as I said, what could be worse than my two least favorite things colliding at once? As I told Astro tonite, it wasn't like I was expecting a 'Reece's cup' kind of moment (oh, dear-- is anyone else old enough to remember the introduction of that candy, and the brilliant ad campaign-- 'you got chocolate in my peanut butter...well you got peanut butter on my chocolate'-- hmmm, must go find that).

Surprise! I got more out of that class with Majesty teaching than any other stats class of the last 6 months. Clear, easy to follow, great notes, direct correlations to real work in our field, good examples. All of it. It made all of it make sense. So at least I had the decency to tell M that I appreciated the class, 'it really helped and all'. Went over a bit like a lead balloon--but that's not my problem.

So I can't believe it, but I'd rather have M teach me stats.... it's a little late for that. But wonder if i can get the notes M has for the rest of the stats concepts that M obviously taught at one point?? Hmmmm, could score suck-up points (sorely needed at this stage) and figure out stats-- a true win-win.

Chronicle Careers: Academic Web logs

Nice list of academic oriented blogs. Some personal, some professional-- some anonymous, others named. Beware, some links and blogs are NOT active, no recent posts or have 'gone off air'.

Few worth pursuing (and not otherwise linked to or added to blogroll) are:
Epistemographer, Blogscholar (also a collection of academic blogs/news), Barely Tenured, College Freedom (academic freedom), InBetween (publishing, open access, lib tech), Just Another Day in Paradise, Piled Higher and Deeper (PhD comic strip), etc.


Chronicle Careers: Academic Web logs: "All of the Web logs listed here feature occasional discussions about academic life, careers, and the job market."

Ahh, sleep is overrated

I've always been nocturnal, but grad school is making things a bit crazy and extreme. This is nuts, I'm not even really doing work right now, or for the past few hours, to keep me up this damn late. Doesn't help that DH is outta town, but to be real, I've been staying up this late for a long time now. Not real good for the social life, my awareness level the next day, getting things done during so-called 'normal business hours', or my relationships. But that's probably all fodder for my MIA shrink. oh well

I still should be working on 'real' work, getting something constructice done. Or more than merely printing out the article I should be reading, and notes on stats (yuck!). Hmmmm, how about reading the bloody article??!! aaaaaaaarrrrggghhh. this burn out just keeps progessing.

On a good front though, and probably part of why I'm slacking off so badly, is that I think I finaly found a way to turn the awful Summer Project into something meaningful and workable....and hey, perhaps into something my real research...and Dissertation...could be about. Whoo hoo! Major step.

Now I just have to put it together all nice and pretty like and sell it up the line, across the line, over the line, wherever. Oh dear, something tells me that's gonna be harder than having had the idea in the first place. crud.

And oh joy, Class tomorrow/today will feature the 'substitute' stylings of none other than.....
Majesty.
Fan-bloody-tastic!! I already dread the Class, am getting nothing out of it, and now that material gets the spin from the 'expert' (actually Majesty IS an expert in one area of this application) and I can't sit and coast or veg out or work on something else. Focused attention should be a good thing-- it's what I'm supposed to be doing and all, but this is going to be painful.

No wonder I don't want to go to sleep-- it just brings the next day, and the next set of headaches.
Yes, yes-- the grounded part of my self is quite aware that tomorrow will come, whether I sleep or not, the stresses of the day will be there too-- but I might be able to handle them better if I had a nice 8+ hrs of sleep. So why the hell am I sitting here typing instead of upstairs crashing??!!
Enuf.....

Stay on target...stay on target

Red Leader to Gold Leader.... drifting off target...stay on target!

Oh crud, it is fast approaching the end of the term and already my brain has gone on vacation. Oops, a few weeks too soon.

Have been crunching so hard at this PhD thing for many months (ok, it seems like longer than it has been-- but still!), and that coming straight off the MS, that my brain is boling. I can't concentrate and I can't stay focused to get my work done. It's like there is so much of it to do, or that should be done, that I don't even know where to start. Instead of digging in somewhere...anywhere...I just seem to be 'pulling an ostrich'. See, here I am late at night, writing on this blog instead of doing my reading, working on an overdue paper and/or planning my next research project. There, that's the problem-- too much to do, too many places to start, can't prioritize well.
Hell, I'm probably qualified for clinical depression at this point. [sigh] and no therapist in sight--- she left for another practice and I haven't gotten it together to work something out with her for payment or for finding a new shrink. really need to do so.

Been talking with Astro about how stressed we are and how to get the Profs to cut us some slack. We tired of reading the same thing 6 different ways. " I get it already!!" Yeah, yeah, I know the PhD is supposed to be hard and grueling. But sometimes the expectations are just unrealistic. It would be one thing if we were buried under research-- but no, that isn't what has us scurrying around like crabs avoiding the gulls.

In my department at Metro U, certain faculty, Majesty in particular, seem to have decided that our time as students is best spent in meetings. Meetings that have nothing to do with my Coursework, or my Research, or any potential Dissertation. Thought seems to be that we'll go and absorb and see the brilliance of these other researchers, be in awe, and go off and be just like them. Whoopee. What if their work is nothing like what I want to do? What if i'd be better off actually doing research instead of just hearing about it? There are many ways to learn-- respect that. Respect me. You obviously thought I was a smart, capable adult when you gave me this opportunity-- so treat me like one.

Meanwhile the work piles up, projects are due, there's a Big Group Project making life a nightmare, my social life is in flux, my BF (Best Friend) is in trouble, and I really wish I had a real break coming up for the summer.

Enough whining for now. Must stay focused. Hell, first I must get focused!

You may not be the person you think you are

You may not be the person you think you are: "We all have a picture in our head of who we are and what we are capable of. What if that picture is wrong? What if your story of yourself is missing key facts and evidence? "


Wow.
Wow. As one of the comments said, the hallmark of a great writer is that you feel they are telling "your story". So much of this incredibly well written post resonated so deeply with me.
At many times in my life I think I too listened to my own 'stories' (and to the ones parroted back to me) and believed them-- in all their flaws and limitations. Interestingly it is also with the unconditional support of a spouse, and in finding the library profession that I have come to be comfortable in my own skin, so to speak. [ well, I'm trying at least-- there are good days and bad days in that regard!] And at about the same point in life as well.
While I don't, or didn't, have the debilitating fear of public speaking (somehow the 'child actor' in me survived the tidal wave of self-doubt), so much of the rest rang true. This may be one of the few times I HAVE to make a public comment on a widely read blog-- to thank Meredith for laying bare this private moment and giving so many the courage to do the same. Kudos to her, good luck to all who take her heed.

Muted madness

The first rumblings of a personal nature from a severly distracted, over-worked, over-wrought academic wannabe. While I've tried maintaining a blog the past year with more professional leanings, and to attempt to collect my scattered 'thoughts', I've since found better ways (read: cool new tech toys) to organize my digital self.
Well, attempt to in any case...

But an outlet for my personal musings and mumblings, haven't done that. And as I get further into the black hole that is academia and a PhD program, I NEED an outlet. Besides, what's one more distracted PhD to the blogosphere! It's not like this is "new"-- oh gracious no, I haven't done anything original. Damn, I've never caught a trend at the beginning.
That's why I'm in academia now...not the so-called 'trendy' career I once had. Let's face it--I'm a geek.
(gasp!)
Yah, like that's a surprise... good grief, my damn blog title is in latin for heaven's sake! (well, that maybe pidgin latin-- cause I know that "cranium" isn't really "brain"... it just sounded better than "cerebellum in absentia"-- cut me some slack)

So let the madness begin, let the winds swirl, and the fog creep back across my brain. Cause it's "in absentia" and I don't know where to find it...