Most of the time I write here in a very personal way about my attitudes, emotions, reactions, etc to various events and happenings in my life as a grad student.
But I've run across some interesting tidbits and morsels on the web, from other blogs, sites, etc and wanted to put them here (rather than a blog I've kept off and on for much that purpose. why the change?? who the hell knows?!!)
Link to article from President of Princeton, in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. She's talked elsewhere (WSJ ?)about women and tenure. Need to find that article...
Found the link on this blog about women in science.
Too damn bad that this blog doesn't look active anymore. Probably some great links to work that is badly needed on issues of digital access for disadvantaged persons. Wonder who else will take up this mantle?
Hmmmm. Well known blog...may be worth following the "Free Range Librarian". (and apparently I'm too darn lazy at the moment to add it to my blog roll, so it goes in post instead)
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Eureka!
i may have stumbled my way (well, just a bit) to my dissertation topic!
Well....I'll be damned!
I know the general area I wanted to research and had narrowed the topic some, but it still didn't seem like a "research question", or I couldn't figure out where that question was in the topic. Still having trouble with that aspect of scholarly work.
Anyway...I was trying not to keep chasing distractions in terms of assigned work, projects, papers, etc and to focus on what I want to do, not what someone else wants, or what they need a warm body for. I'm already doing this Summer Project and want to get something 'researchy' out of it, or at least have it move me forward toward my own damn dissertation work.
And voila...now maybe it has! I'm still not completely sure if the questions I have are "research questions", but they seem worth exploring, and a way to tie into the more broad area of interest I've had the past 6 months or so (and to the Big Picture Topic I had when I started the PhD) and make the Summer Project worthwhile (well, outside its own interests...).
This came from a brainstorming talk I had with Advocate today...a sort of transition meeting to her more offical capacity as "Advisor" now. We brainstormed how this interest could potentially be researched, what kind of qualitative research to do, what to ground it in, what I will still need, and the types of contacts I need to start cultivating to get me an "in" with practitioners and subjects I would want to work with. [A bit of a major issue since this is not something I have direct experience in exactly, nor a field I came from originally. Hell, this whole PhD and MS field is new to me and not what I started my professional life in...course that's part of the whole point!! anyway...it's not like I just have some former colleagues to call up to ask if I can come study 'em...]
I feel pretty excited and pretty good. Now have to figure out how to make it happen-- both from a general, sorta philosophical point, and a nitty-gritty technical kind of thing--like, literally, what steps do I take next! Yikes.
I know this is vague as s**t but I'm still trying not to identify myself or my narrow field, or school, too much out here on the blogosphere. Treading lightly...
So this probably only makes sense in my own little head, and I hope it can remind me of my thought process and emotional state later, since I sure doubt it will much good other than that. But that's ok. I never set out to do this primarily for an audience. [and I seriously doubt I have one, thanks to my sporadic, cryptic posts and lack of links]
Hope I got all the notes down from our fast and furious bull session.
Wish me luck with taking the bull by the horns and running with it!!!
[enough metaphors mixed there, ya think?!!]
Well....I'll be damned!
I know the general area I wanted to research and had narrowed the topic some, but it still didn't seem like a "research question", or I couldn't figure out where that question was in the topic. Still having trouble with that aspect of scholarly work.
Anyway...I was trying not to keep chasing distractions in terms of assigned work, projects, papers, etc and to focus on what I want to do, not what someone else wants, or what they need a warm body for. I'm already doing this Summer Project and want to get something 'researchy' out of it, or at least have it move me forward toward my own damn dissertation work.
And voila...now maybe it has! I'm still not completely sure if the questions I have are "research questions", but they seem worth exploring, and a way to tie into the more broad area of interest I've had the past 6 months or so (and to the Big Picture Topic I had when I started the PhD) and make the Summer Project worthwhile (well, outside its own interests...).
This came from a brainstorming talk I had with Advocate today...a sort of transition meeting to her more offical capacity as "Advisor" now. We brainstormed how this interest could potentially be researched, what kind of qualitative research to do, what to ground it in, what I will still need, and the types of contacts I need to start cultivating to get me an "in" with practitioners and subjects I would want to work with. [A bit of a major issue since this is not something I have direct experience in exactly, nor a field I came from originally. Hell, this whole PhD and MS field is new to me and not what I started my professional life in...course that's part of the whole point!! anyway...it's not like I just have some former colleagues to call up to ask if I can come study 'em...]
I feel pretty excited and pretty good. Now have to figure out how to make it happen-- both from a general, sorta philosophical point, and a nitty-gritty technical kind of thing--like, literally, what steps do I take next! Yikes.
I know this is vague as s**t but I'm still trying not to identify myself or my narrow field, or school, too much out here on the blogosphere. Treading lightly...
So this probably only makes sense in my own little head, and I hope it can remind me of my thought process and emotional state later, since I sure doubt it will much good other than that. But that's ok. I never set out to do this primarily for an audience. [and I seriously doubt I have one, thanks to my sporadic, cryptic posts and lack of links]
Hope I got all the notes down from our fast and furious bull session.
Wish me luck with taking the bull by the horns and running with it!!!
[enough metaphors mixed there, ya think?!!]
Saturday, July 08, 2006
what a relief...
Gee, thanks to the wonders of Blogthings, I have confirmation (of a sort) of my career choice and graduate pursuit.
Whew. Was gettin' worried there....
Whew. Was gettin' worried there....
You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy) |
 You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer. |
Friday, July 07, 2006
I'm baaaaaaack
Another legit break from blogging as the term ended, I was away with DH and family on vacation, without computers or the Web ("Horrors!!"), and dammit, it was supposed to be vacation afterall.
Not that I wouldn't have loved to vent and blog my way through the vacation, but since they don't know I do this, and I'd like to preserve some privacy, anonymity, and oh yeah, my SANITY, I was NOT going to chance it. Again, not like I could anyway, without Net service; and I just didn't feel like writing it long-hand and then transcribing and uploading later. Besides, it wasn't Academic related, so I feel like it really doesn't belong here. Although this was supposed to be a place to vent in general, so maybe the intersection of my personal and so-called-professional lives earns air time here. hmmmm.....
So vacation time was short, not so restful (and rest was so dearly needed and wanted), but quite interesting...and alas, over. Done. Finito. (Wellllll....I did get to hop away for the holiday weekend with DH and play golf-- pretty course in central PA near MD. But really....it's over...back to work...no more play time...)
Classes started up again, and so thusly, the stress. But really trying not to stress so much over class this term, and I think it may be possible to have a semblance of a life along with my scholar-grind. Eeep. I hope I didn't speak too soon!
Said good-bye to my Advisor last week, as the last packing of offices was done, books gone from shelves, pictures taken down, and generally the space was left looking forlorn, denuded, generic. It really hit home that Dear Advisor won't be around whenever I'm on-campus, can't pop in to chat, and that I'm sort of on my own a bit here. Yes, Advocate will take over the advising duties, and may actually help kick my ass in gear more. Yes, I love Advocate too and look forward to working together.
But still....
However, as much of a downer as that is, I take the parting words to heart..."get it done. finish"
Not that Advisor was truly worried I think that I would quit, or wind up ABD. But more that the track record of my dept. at Metro U isn't so hot at turning out PhDs in my field, or my specialty. So much disfunction it isn't even funny. So more worried that the resources aren't there behind me to get me done, finished, out-- and in some kind of reasonable time frame.
But I WILL "get it done". No matter how much I whine, complain, bitch, moan, whatever-- I refuse to lose sight of what I feel I'm meant to do, meant to be, and what I have to do to get there. (i.e. if I want to teach in my field apparently I MUST have the magic letters, so therefore I will get the PhD) And I will not let my buddies drop out, quit, end up ABD, or anything else short of 'finished' and graduated either. Mambo and Astro are keys to my sanity, and hopefully me to them, and so we have to push each other, pull each other, and do whatever it takes to 'get it done".
And so the next step begins...
Not that I wouldn't have loved to vent and blog my way through the vacation, but since they don't know I do this, and I'd like to preserve some privacy, anonymity, and oh yeah, my SANITY, I was NOT going to chance it. Again, not like I could anyway, without Net service; and I just didn't feel like writing it long-hand and then transcribing and uploading later. Besides, it wasn't Academic related, so I feel like it really doesn't belong here. Although this was supposed to be a place to vent in general, so maybe the intersection of my personal and so-called-professional lives earns air time here. hmmmm.....
So vacation time was short, not so restful (and rest was so dearly needed and wanted), but quite interesting...and alas, over. Done. Finito. (Wellllll....I did get to hop away for the holiday weekend with DH and play golf-- pretty course in central PA near MD. But really....it's over...back to work...no more play time...)
Classes started up again, and so thusly, the stress. But really trying not to stress so much over class this term, and I think it may be possible to have a semblance of a life along with my scholar-grind. Eeep. I hope I didn't speak too soon!
Said good-bye to my Advisor last week, as the last packing of offices was done, books gone from shelves, pictures taken down, and generally the space was left looking forlorn, denuded, generic. It really hit home that Dear Advisor won't be around whenever I'm on-campus, can't pop in to chat, and that I'm sort of on my own a bit here. Yes, Advocate will take over the advising duties, and may actually help kick my ass in gear more. Yes, I love Advocate too and look forward to working together.
But still....
However, as much of a downer as that is, I take the parting words to heart..."get it done. finish"
Not that Advisor was truly worried I think that I would quit, or wind up ABD. But more that the track record of my dept. at Metro U isn't so hot at turning out PhDs in my field, or my specialty. So much disfunction it isn't even funny. So more worried that the resources aren't there behind me to get me done, finished, out-- and in some kind of reasonable time frame.
But I WILL "get it done". No matter how much I whine, complain, bitch, moan, whatever-- I refuse to lose sight of what I feel I'm meant to do, meant to be, and what I have to do to get there. (i.e. if I want to teach in my field apparently I MUST have the magic letters, so therefore I will get the PhD) And I will not let my buddies drop out, quit, end up ABD, or anything else short of 'finished' and graduated either. Mambo and Astro are keys to my sanity, and hopefully me to them, and so we have to push each other, pull each other, and do whatever it takes to 'get it done".
And so the next step begins...
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Life gets in the way
Great, I can't even stay on the blog-wagon a full month!
but legit reasons... first was mental-health-escape week with best friend to Warm, Sunny Beach place; then it was hell of last week of term, followed on heels by go-to-a-conference-same-week-as-finals-due, which ended 2 days before go-on-vacation-with-in-laws.
See, very valid reasons not to get my thoughts committed to cyber-paper. Hell, it's a wonder I even know what my thoughts ARE right now.
Beach week was the absolute best, but won't get into it here--not PhD related.
Conf, well that might be too identifiable, so we'll leave that too for now.
Oh, did I mention how the farewell party for Advisor was the other night, the night after I got back from conf.? yeah, so life just sometimes seems to get in the way of the rest of stuff.
but legit reasons... first was mental-health-escape week with best friend to Warm, Sunny Beach place; then it was hell of last week of term, followed on heels by go-to-a-conference-same-week-as-finals-due, which ended 2 days before go-on-vacation-with-in-laws.
See, very valid reasons not to get my thoughts committed to cyber-paper. Hell, it's a wonder I even know what my thoughts ARE right now.
Beach week was the absolute best, but won't get into it here--not PhD related.
Conf, well that might be too identifiable, so we'll leave that too for now.
Oh, did I mention how the farewell party for Advisor was the other night, the night after I got back from conf.? yeah, so life just sometimes seems to get in the way of the rest of stuff.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
You get one shot
I pretty much took the weekend off from school work.
Given the amount of work I have to do, the tardiness of a good deal of it, and the degree of anxiety I currently feel-- not bright. Brave, perhaps, but not bright.
But dammit, necessary.
Because you only get one shot at life and you have to live it right the first time. No matter what movies and tv shows may lead us to believe, time travel is not (perhaps, "yet") possible, and I don't get a magic 'do-over' at some point. And would I even 'waste' it on going back to do more homework in grad school??? I think not!!
So I'll manage somehow, and pull something out of my butt, like usual. And whatever happens, happens. In the meantimeI enjoy the time I have and how I use it, and the people I spend it with.
Maybe this is all part of hopefully turning a corner on the bleakness I've been feeling amid the stress and frustration of my life. Which I often don't feel entitled to bitch about since all of this is of my own choosing. Of course, I feel that doesn't absolve the situation from complaint-- not that everyone agrees with me on it. Just because I chose to go back to grad school, that I chose this is as my career change and career path, and just becuase it is hard work (as expected), doesn't mean that I lose the right to moan, bitch, whine and complain. Yes I must try and do a bit less of that, and yes I must try and just get my ass in gear and get some of this crap done rather than merely complain about it. But dammit, i still get to complain sometimes.
Maybe lessons learned today away from school work (on the golf course actually) can be applied to rest of life too. See, I had a very frustrating half hour or so warming up, trying to get ready to play golf with DH for first time in many weeks. Hadn't touched a club in weeks. And all of a sudden it's like I forgot how to play the whole damn game. Like I was a whirling monkey or something, flailing away at the sod. Not good. So very not good. Ready to chuck it all, toss the clubs in a lake, not even pay to play, and go crawl under a rock.
Thankfully DH wouldn't let me do that just yet, and valiantly reminded me to stay positive and take it one shot at a time. Yes, so cliched, and yet so true. Besides, DH says, it's a great day out, we're hanging out together, and you never know what might happen. Remember the good stuff. And actually playing wasn't nearly as bad as the practice-- maybe I got all the crappy shots out of the way on the range.
Sooooo..... in the rest of my life, I need to get more positive, and rememer that just because one part sucks, the rest doesn't have to; to stay positive and remember the good stuff and what I do right, stop dwelling on mistakes; stop being so damn hard on myself (god, I'm my own harshest critic by far!); and be open to what comes next. I hope I can actually make half of that stick.
I have to. I only get one shot at life and it shouldn't be spent being miserable so often.
Given the amount of work I have to do, the tardiness of a good deal of it, and the degree of anxiety I currently feel-- not bright. Brave, perhaps, but not bright.
But dammit, necessary.
Because you only get one shot at life and you have to live it right the first time. No matter what movies and tv shows may lead us to believe, time travel is not (perhaps, "yet") possible, and I don't get a magic 'do-over' at some point. And would I even 'waste' it on going back to do more homework in grad school??? I think not!!
So I'll manage somehow, and pull something out of my butt, like usual. And whatever happens, happens. In the meantimeI enjoy the time I have and how I use it, and the people I spend it with.
Maybe this is all part of hopefully turning a corner on the bleakness I've been feeling amid the stress and frustration of my life. Which I often don't feel entitled to bitch about since all of this is of my own choosing. Of course, I feel that doesn't absolve the situation from complaint-- not that everyone agrees with me on it. Just because I chose to go back to grad school, that I chose this is as my career change and career path, and just becuase it is hard work (as expected), doesn't mean that I lose the right to moan, bitch, whine and complain. Yes I must try and do a bit less of that, and yes I must try and just get my ass in gear and get some of this crap done rather than merely complain about it. But dammit, i still get to complain sometimes.
Maybe lessons learned today away from school work (on the golf course actually) can be applied to rest of life too. See, I had a very frustrating half hour or so warming up, trying to get ready to play golf with DH for first time in many weeks. Hadn't touched a club in weeks. And all of a sudden it's like I forgot how to play the whole damn game. Like I was a whirling monkey or something, flailing away at the sod. Not good. So very not good. Ready to chuck it all, toss the clubs in a lake, not even pay to play, and go crawl under a rock.
Thankfully DH wouldn't let me do that just yet, and valiantly reminded me to stay positive and take it one shot at a time. Yes, so cliched, and yet so true. Besides, DH says, it's a great day out, we're hanging out together, and you never know what might happen. Remember the good stuff. And actually playing wasn't nearly as bad as the practice-- maybe I got all the crappy shots out of the way on the range.
Sooooo..... in the rest of my life, I need to get more positive, and rememer that just because one part sucks, the rest doesn't have to; to stay positive and remember the good stuff and what I do right, stop dwelling on mistakes; stop being so damn hard on myself (god, I'm my own harshest critic by far!); and be open to what comes next. I hope I can actually make half of that stick.
I have to. I only get one shot at life and it shouldn't be spent being miserable so often.
Friday, May 26, 2006
It's always the little things
...that come back to bite you in the a$$.
I'm on the College's shit list because I have some forms missing from my erstwhile file apparently. I thought everything was in there and all was copacetic...but no....
Frustrating and very embarassing because this Black List goes to all the faculty and it will be discussed at the next College Faculty Mtg in a few weeks and I so do not need more crap raining down all over my head right now. Yes, it's probably mostly my fault somehow, and resubmitting the forms isn't so bad (rewriting other parts ARE a pain in the a$$), so i guess my whining is mostly about the embarassment at being called out, pointed to, shown up as a 'bad student'.
There are so many more important things both for me, and the College, to worry about really. sheesh.
Part of the reason at least one form is incorrect (and it IS in the file, and it WAS done on time) is because they have clued in to the fact that I need a new advisor now. This is one of the things causing me the most frustration, headaches, and heartache truly. Prof S, my Advisor, is leaving Metro U to go to Big Better U. And while I honestly, truly wish Prof S well and think this is the absolute best professional move, I am personally devastated.
Prof is not just my Advisor, but my Mentor and friend. The person who is the buffer between me and the insanity of the petty fiefdom of the rest of the College-- cause Prof S 'don't take no shit' (being tenured helps!!). Prof S can help me cut through the crap, figure out what is really important, and find ways to get done what I WANT to do--not just what others want me to do. I have known Prof S since my return to grad school for MS (waaaaay before I ever thought about staying for the PhD) and while I think I knew for the past year or so that this move was possible (because the crap going around in my College is enough to drive anyone nuts--and sometimes you just can't take it anymore), I still hoped it wouldn't really happen. And now everything is going at warp speed and before summer practically starts, Prof S will be gone.
I'm so damn busy and swamped right now, and end of term is crashing down, that I can barely deal with it all, let alone process this new blow. It's like grieving in a way. All I really want to do is curl up in a ball and wail for a while. And I think I better do just that for a while soon, cause Prof S's farewell party is coming up in a few weeks, and if I don't want to wind up bawling in front of the whole damn College, I gotta get some of this out BEFORE then. oh man.
I want to write Prof S a letter (and get a really kick ass nice gift!) to really say how much our relationship has meant to me. Prof S is the educator I strive to be-- who does research not just because it is what will get some grant or published in a particular journal, but because it's what's needed in the field-- by the practitioners. Prof S wants the best from students and pushes to get it, and we all are so much better for it. Prof S wants students to be prepared for entering the field, and to give back, to see the big picture. I learned more in Prof S's classes than in maybe any class-- EVER. I know I learned more about myself and what I wanted to do with my life-- no, what I was MEANT to do with my life-- from Prof S. Way before I started reading blogs like ABD Mom, Bitch PhD , ArticulateDad, PhDMe and so many others, Prof S was my role model for balancing academia and family life. For knowing when to say 'when', to give it your all in the classroom, to do great research, and to still be a real person with a real life. And I'm sure it took many hard years, and much blood, sweat and tears to make that happen. Still, that's what I aspire to. And while I can continue our relationship from a distance, and still receive wisdom and guidance via email and phone calls, it won't be quite the same. As much as I love Advocate (who will be my likely new advisor), A isn't Prof S. Different, wonderful, inspiring too-- but not the same and not the same connection and not the same protection from of the cruelties of academia.
In the long run it will help me more in my career that Prof S is at Big Better U, it will make Prof S much happier, and that makes me glad.
But in the meanwhile...I can't deal well with it. I'm sad, depressed and floundering a bit. Not sure how things play out (in my studies and in how we really continue our relationship).
In the meanwhile...
like a giant vortex... a black hole in the academic cosmos...a personal tidal whorl...
...this sucks.
I'm on the College's shit list because I have some forms missing from my erstwhile file apparently. I thought everything was in there and all was copacetic...but no....
Frustrating and very embarassing because this Black List goes to all the faculty and it will be discussed at the next College Faculty Mtg in a few weeks and I so do not need more crap raining down all over my head right now. Yes, it's probably mostly my fault somehow, and resubmitting the forms isn't so bad (rewriting other parts ARE a pain in the a$$), so i guess my whining is mostly about the embarassment at being called out, pointed to, shown up as a 'bad student'.
There are so many more important things both for me, and the College, to worry about really. sheesh.
Part of the reason at least one form is incorrect (and it IS in the file, and it WAS done on time) is because they have clued in to the fact that I need a new advisor now. This is one of the things causing me the most frustration, headaches, and heartache truly. Prof S, my Advisor, is leaving Metro U to go to Big Better U. And while I honestly, truly wish Prof S well and think this is the absolute best professional move, I am personally devastated.
Prof is not just my Advisor, but my Mentor and friend. The person who is the buffer between me and the insanity of the petty fiefdom of the rest of the College-- cause Prof S 'don't take no shit' (being tenured helps!!). Prof S can help me cut through the crap, figure out what is really important, and find ways to get done what I WANT to do--not just what others want me to do. I have known Prof S since my return to grad school for MS (waaaaay before I ever thought about staying for the PhD) and while I think I knew for the past year or so that this move was possible (because the crap going around in my College is enough to drive anyone nuts--and sometimes you just can't take it anymore), I still hoped it wouldn't really happen. And now everything is going at warp speed and before summer practically starts, Prof S will be gone.
I'm so damn busy and swamped right now, and end of term is crashing down, that I can barely deal with it all, let alone process this new blow. It's like grieving in a way. All I really want to do is curl up in a ball and wail for a while. And I think I better do just that for a while soon, cause Prof S's farewell party is coming up in a few weeks, and if I don't want to wind up bawling in front of the whole damn College, I gotta get some of this out BEFORE then. oh man.
I want to write Prof S a letter (and get a really kick ass nice gift!) to really say how much our relationship has meant to me. Prof S is the educator I strive to be-- who does research not just because it is what will get some grant or published in a particular journal, but because it's what's needed in the field-- by the practitioners. Prof S wants the best from students and pushes to get it, and we all are so much better for it. Prof S wants students to be prepared for entering the field, and to give back, to see the big picture. I learned more in Prof S's classes than in maybe any class-- EVER. I know I learned more about myself and what I wanted to do with my life-- no, what I was MEANT to do with my life-- from Prof S. Way before I started reading blogs like ABD Mom, Bitch PhD , ArticulateDad, PhDMe and so many others, Prof S was my role model for balancing academia and family life. For knowing when to say 'when', to give it your all in the classroom, to do great research, and to still be a real person with a real life. And I'm sure it took many hard years, and much blood, sweat and tears to make that happen. Still, that's what I aspire to. And while I can continue our relationship from a distance, and still receive wisdom and guidance via email and phone calls, it won't be quite the same. As much as I love Advocate (who will be my likely new advisor), A isn't Prof S. Different, wonderful, inspiring too-- but not the same and not the same connection and not the same protection from of the cruelties of academia.
In the long run it will help me more in my career that Prof S is at Big Better U, it will make Prof S much happier, and that makes me glad.
But in the meanwhile...I can't deal well with it. I'm sad, depressed and floundering a bit. Not sure how things play out (in my studies and in how we really continue our relationship).
In the meanwhile...
like a giant vortex... a black hole in the academic cosmos...a personal tidal whorl...
...this sucks.
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