As the end of coursework draws ever nearer (hallelujah) and I suffer through the grinding and darn near worthless course taught by a LooseGoose in a subject that's supposed to be at or near the core of my whole phd existence, and I attempt to pull together readings that make sense on my diss topic and play 'find a theory' -- I wonder .... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING????!!!!!
"Gee, that's news!" NOT
I know, I know --- I've said it all before. But I sense as the coursework part winds down, the pressure on the dissertation work ramps up, the details and little nudges of our damn funding continue to make odd, sometimes idiosyncratic requests of us, and the future of near ABD status looms --- that things are only going to get harder. Or worse. Or worse and harder.
I'm not making as quick and steady and definitive a progress in my 'find a theory' and related reading work as I thought, or as my friends Astro and Mambo seem to be. I keep going off on little tangents, or just reading whatever comes from the last set of readings and playing the 'citation chain gang game'. Not that that's bad. It's not, it's good. It's just not what I thought I was going to be doing exactly, or more, what I think I'm supposed to be doing. And I have no idea whether I'm really making progress or not.
And I worry that I'm not worried enough about this. I worry that I don't know what I'm doing anymore, or right now, and that I'm losing my spark for this. Not good news heading into the end of coursework, the summer, and the long fall and more of ABD-land or ABD-dom.
Showing posts with label school hassles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school hassles. Show all posts
Friday, April 27, 2007
Sunday, March 18, 2007
From the frying pan into the fire...
Let's see, another original post about how busy and stressed I am...
Well, c'mon! I'm a grad student in a PhD program dammit...isn't being stressed and uncertain written into the acceptance letter or something?
But still, it does seem like this term has been more stressful than most, if not for shear workload and feeling the grad school equivalent of some "biological clock" ticking away...hmmm, more like the "Doomsday clock" perhaps? Right at the point where you think you know what your resesarch is about, and you think you know how you're going to tackle it, you see exactly how much or really how little, time there is to achieve it and get moving before the inertia and sheer force of 'grad-dom' overtakes you and you never wind up finishing.
I think that's where I am now.
Add to that, our annual reviews of our progress in the progrem and tightening of the screws on our research interests and 'efforts at making progress toward an achievable' dissertation. You walk around feeling like everything is quicksand. Or in the case of Metro, where everything is um, 'challenging', there are more hoops to jump through. No, wait... ... Flaming hoops. Yes, flaming hoops, and my ass keeps getting singed on the way through.
For instance after my annual review, and discussions with Advocate and others of my faculty committee, there seem to be concerns about the direction I want to take my dissertation. Concern that I'm trying to study an area that I have no prior first-hand experience in, no working experience in, and therefore it's unlikely I'll be able to teach in it when I'm done (I'm in a very practically based discipline-- prior experience is key). No, unlike many other fields where doing the dissertation research is precisely what sets you up as uniquely qualified to teach what you've just spent a few years researching, living and breathing -- in mine, that's not enough.
No, I'm not even really whining here-- I understand that point and that necessity very well. I'm one of the first to agree that a professor in my field needs real life experience to go along with the research work in order to teach. Hell, I know that's my shortcoming here. Of course, so did Metro when they accepted me into a special program with a stipulation to teach in that field when I was done. But yeah, it's my biggest fear that I'll never have enough cred to get a teaching job when I'm done because of the lack of 'real' work in that area. It's what gives me 'hives' practically, and has me lie awake at night. It's what I've confessed to my shrink (when I had one), to my BF and to Astro, Mambo and the rest. That all this studying, all the research, everything will be for naught because in the end 'how can I teach something I never actually did'?!?
And because my research wants to look at this subset of my field, as a part, there is concern from my committee that it doesn't make sense.
Hell, if we all only did research on what we comfortably know, nothing innovative would ever happen! And if I only did research on what I did in my past, I'm not sure I'd be in grad school at all -- my past was just that, the PAST! And not terribly connected to where I am now-- sure, tangentially, and sure, it all builds like Legos. But it's not a direct-connect, and it's not something I will research.
So do I change my topic? Do I start over and look for new research questions? Do I try and make something out of my work for this 'new' web initiative that Metro has taken over from another college in my field? Are there real research questions there -- because all the ones that have come to my head just seem like marketing issues for this web thing. Do I ditch the topic revolving around history merely because I was never a historian, or a history teacher? Does that really mean I can't possibly understand the importance of new media and new resources in teaching this subject? Or in the power of inquiry-based learning, constructing new learner-centered knowledge from the powerful primary sources we have available? Do I put that all aside because I wasn't an elementary or secondary ed teacher, or a school librarian, or anything else that interacts with kids and education on a daily basis?
Where is the role of passion? of interest? of seeing a research gap? of wanting to fill that gap? of wanting to bring a new voice to the research? of wanting to represent the teacher, the student, the user of history? Is there no place for any of those roles in the research path they think I should tread? I understand their concern, I understand their caution. Really, I do. I want to believe in my heart that they said what they have because they care, because they want me to succeed.
But I'm left shaken, and uncertain. Standing on wobbly knees. Seeking answers from a computer screen, sending furtive emails, awaiting some gentle reassurance... which may not come.
I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel...
...
...
... but it turns out it was a damn train.
Well, c'mon! I'm a grad student in a PhD program dammit...isn't being stressed and uncertain written into the acceptance letter or something?
But still, it does seem like this term has been more stressful than most, if not for shear workload and feeling the grad school equivalent of some "biological clock" ticking away...hmmm, more like the "Doomsday clock" perhaps? Right at the point where you think you know what your resesarch is about, and you think you know how you're going to tackle it, you see exactly how much or really how little, time there is to achieve it and get moving before the inertia and sheer force of 'grad-dom' overtakes you and you never wind up finishing.
I think that's where I am now.
Add to that, our annual reviews of our progress in the progrem and tightening of the screws on our research interests and 'efforts at making progress toward an achievable' dissertation. You walk around feeling like everything is quicksand. Or in the case of Metro, where everything is um, 'challenging', there are more hoops to jump through. No, wait... ... Flaming hoops. Yes, flaming hoops, and my ass keeps getting singed on the way through.
For instance after my annual review, and discussions with Advocate and others of my faculty committee, there seem to be concerns about the direction I want to take my dissertation. Concern that I'm trying to study an area that I have no prior first-hand experience in, no working experience in, and therefore it's unlikely I'll be able to teach in it when I'm done (I'm in a very practically based discipline-- prior experience is key). No, unlike many other fields where doing the dissertation research is precisely what sets you up as uniquely qualified to teach what you've just spent a few years researching, living and breathing -- in mine, that's not enough.
No, I'm not even really whining here-- I understand that point and that necessity very well. I'm one of the first to agree that a professor in my field needs real life experience to go along with the research work in order to teach. Hell, I know that's my shortcoming here. Of course, so did Metro when they accepted me into a special program with a stipulation to teach in that field when I was done. But yeah, it's my biggest fear that I'll never have enough cred to get a teaching job when I'm done because of the lack of 'real' work in that area. It's what gives me 'hives' practically, and has me lie awake at night. It's what I've confessed to my shrink (when I had one), to my BF and to Astro, Mambo and the rest. That all this studying, all the research, everything will be for naught because in the end 'how can I teach something I never actually did'?!?
And because my research wants to look at this subset of my field, as a part, there is concern from my committee that it doesn't make sense.
Hell, if we all only did research on what we comfortably know, nothing innovative would ever happen! And if I only did research on what I did in my past, I'm not sure I'd be in grad school at all -- my past was just that, the PAST! And not terribly connected to where I am now-- sure, tangentially, and sure, it all builds like Legos. But it's not a direct-connect, and it's not something I will research.
So do I change my topic? Do I start over and look for new research questions? Do I try and make something out of my work for this 'new' web initiative that Metro has taken over from another college in my field? Are there real research questions there -- because all the ones that have come to my head just seem like marketing issues for this web thing. Do I ditch the topic revolving around history merely because I was never a historian, or a history teacher? Does that really mean I can't possibly understand the importance of new media and new resources in teaching this subject? Or in the power of inquiry-based learning, constructing new learner-centered knowledge from the powerful primary sources we have available? Do I put that all aside because I wasn't an elementary or secondary ed teacher, or a school librarian, or anything else that interacts with kids and education on a daily basis?
Where is the role of passion? of interest? of seeing a research gap? of wanting to fill that gap? of wanting to bring a new voice to the research? of wanting to represent the teacher, the student, the user of history? Is there no place for any of those roles in the research path they think I should tread? I understand their concern, I understand their caution. Really, I do. I want to believe in my heart that they said what they have because they care, because they want me to succeed.
But I'm left shaken, and uncertain. Standing on wobbly knees. Seeking answers from a computer screen, sending furtive emails, awaiting some gentle reassurance... which may not come.
I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel...
...
...
... but it turns out it was a damn train.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Time flies...
"...when you're having fun", or so the quote goes.
I'm not sure that's at all apt here. Since when is grad school "fun"??!!
But time sure flies anyway. One minute it's a Friday, I'm having a good chat with Blue about a research project and I swear the next minute it's nearly two weeks later and I haven't gotten done half of what I wanted to, or planned to, on that research project or half of my other crap. Damn. I've been so busy I haven't gotten anything done.
And now by the time I get around to actually posting this 'post' an entire month will have elapsed since I had this particualr angst, and yet it all still rings so true! I'm further along in the project with Blue, but we're not quite where we wanted to be, and are having some techie issues trying to share data collection and make sure we both know what the other is doing.
In the meantime though I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I have no idea where this term has gone. I have not a clue how I will get finsihed all that still needs to be done, and yet I've been super productive through most of the winter. So much so that at times I seem like I never get any sleep, or have time to sit and think about reserch or projects, or hell, just to breathe!
It seems like every deadline I could possibly have, for what seems like the whole damn year, all hit in the same 3 week or so period. Conferences, workshops, doc student consortia, internal paper deadlines, annual reviews, personal stuff-- you name it, it's all been due the past month. And naturally that's also when my immune system gave up and of course I wound up with the flu. Not the 24-48 hour kind like all my friends and relatives.... oh nooooo... I get the strain that lingers for a week, leaves you feeling like you got run over by a Mack truck and then lets crap linger in your head and chest for weeks. Oh joy.
So there, that's why my pathetic self hasn't been blogging in forever. Yes, the outlet would've been good for me, get some of the stress out. Gawd knows there's been enough of that lately. So maybe better late than never.
I'm not sure that's at all apt here. Since when is grad school "fun"??!!
But time sure flies anyway. One minute it's a Friday, I'm having a good chat with Blue about a research project and I swear the next minute it's nearly two weeks later and I haven't gotten done half of what I wanted to, or planned to, on that research project or half of my other crap. Damn. I've been so busy I haven't gotten anything done.
And now by the time I get around to actually posting this 'post' an entire month will have elapsed since I had this particualr angst, and yet it all still rings so true! I'm further along in the project with Blue, but we're not quite where we wanted to be, and are having some techie issues trying to share data collection and make sure we both know what the other is doing.
In the meantime though I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I have no idea where this term has gone. I have not a clue how I will get finsihed all that still needs to be done, and yet I've been super productive through most of the winter. So much so that at times I seem like I never get any sleep, or have time to sit and think about reserch or projects, or hell, just to breathe!
It seems like every deadline I could possibly have, for what seems like the whole damn year, all hit in the same 3 week or so period. Conferences, workshops, doc student consortia, internal paper deadlines, annual reviews, personal stuff-- you name it, it's all been due the past month. And naturally that's also when my immune system gave up and of course I wound up with the flu. Not the 24-48 hour kind like all my friends and relatives.... oh nooooo... I get the strain that lingers for a week, leaves you feeling like you got run over by a Mack truck and then lets crap linger in your head and chest for weeks. Oh joy.
So there, that's why my pathetic self hasn't been blogging in forever. Yes, the outlet would've been good for me, get some of the stress out. Gawd knows there's been enough of that lately. So maybe better late than never.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
New year...same headaches?
Oops...apparently it's been longer than i thought since my last reflection and post.
Come to think of it though, it about corresponds to the end of the term, and "break". That wonderful artifact of educational calendars when we can supposedly let our minds turn to mush for a few weeks either at the end of a term, or between terms, or whatever. While the winter break is by far the longest, it is by no means the most relaxing, nor do all those days get spent relaxing or recharing one's mental or physical batteries.
Oh nooooo... because winter break includes the stress-filled, angst-riddled, expectation-laden holidays! Wheeeee! But that's an area bit too private to get into out here in the blogosphere, at least it is for me at this time. So let's just leave at this: the holidays were not evil, nor were they awful, neither were they filled with peace, mirth, and goodwill to all. But hey, families are involved here, so how could they?!
New term starts soon, and so the next round of headaches will begin. Will they be the same as the term before, and the whole year before...or different? Hmmm..first indicators after email from LooseGoose are.....
.....
same old same old!! Tada!
Ambiguous expectations, amorphous directions, punitive language, controlling behavior and general cluelessness are expected in the forecast for this coming Winter and Spring. Everyone get out your umbrellas, the shit is about to rain down again. Hope you've got your boots on because it's time to go wading in the puddles of muck that are our beloved Metro U.
But really... one of my resolutions is to get off my @$$ and get more stuff done. Not because THEY want it...Not because it's on THEIR list...but because it's what I want, nay, NEED, to do. Other resolution has to do generally with not letting them get to me, not letting them dictate next steps. I know my research topic, heck I know my research questions and my likely methodology, even a range of potential research sites. So please, just let me go get it done, show me how to achieve what I want to do, what I plan to do, and let's stop playing games. Please stop making me regret ever being at Metro U for my PhD. Help me get done on my terms, with my needs, and my interests. Ok?
See now that's a new year's resolution I can stick with.
Come to think of it though, it about corresponds to the end of the term, and "break". That wonderful artifact of educational calendars when we can supposedly let our minds turn to mush for a few weeks either at the end of a term, or between terms, or whatever. While the winter break is by far the longest, it is by no means the most relaxing, nor do all those days get spent relaxing or recharing one's mental or physical batteries.
Oh nooooo... because winter break includes the stress-filled, angst-riddled, expectation-laden holidays! Wheeeee! But that's an area bit too private to get into out here in the blogosphere, at least it is for me at this time. So let's just leave at this: the holidays were not evil, nor were they awful, neither were they filled with peace, mirth, and goodwill to all. But hey, families are involved here, so how could they?!
New term starts soon, and so the next round of headaches will begin. Will they be the same as the term before, and the whole year before...or different? Hmmm..first indicators after email from LooseGoose are.....
.....
same old same old!! Tada!
Ambiguous expectations, amorphous directions, punitive language, controlling behavior and general cluelessness are expected in the forecast for this coming Winter and Spring. Everyone get out your umbrellas, the shit is about to rain down again. Hope you've got your boots on because it's time to go wading in the puddles of muck that are our beloved Metro U.
But really... one of my resolutions is to get off my @$$ and get more stuff done. Not because THEY want it...Not because it's on THEIR list...but because it's what I want, nay, NEED, to do. Other resolution has to do generally with not letting them get to me, not letting them dictate next steps. I know my research topic, heck I know my research questions and my likely methodology, even a range of potential research sites. So please, just let me go get it done, show me how to achieve what I want to do, what I plan to do, and let's stop playing games. Please stop making me regret ever being at Metro U for my PhD. Help me get done on my terms, with my needs, and my interests. Ok?
See now that's a new year's resolution I can stick with.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Endofterm-itis
It's that time of year again...nearing the end of a term and my brain is shutting down early. Why is it that my mental faculties never seem to match up to the calendar or last as long as the work of the term? And whatever will I do once out in the 'real world' of academia as a prof...having to teach and keep up for a whole semester??!! aaaaiieeee
Seriously...I do wonder somedays if this just isn't some form of adult ADD or related to what I saw mentioned in another blog about "conference ADD". And just to prove that particular point, while I'm reading the post mentioning that, it has this list of things that happen at conferences-- which I agree with way too much!-- and links to several other academic bloggers I wasn't familiar with. So off we go on a tangent... thanks so much to my pitiful attention span!
This one also has a post on things that can go 'wrong' or 'bad' at a conference. And that led to a post on academic job searches, and then another (gee, someone feels more down on themselves then I think I have been in quite some time...and if I actually read all of these posts right now I'd seriously be depressed!)-- interesting note in the post about a "dissertation seminar" and help with job searching. Gee, what's that?? Something Metro isn't going to be offering I'll bet.
I'm in one of 'those' moods re: Metro. Probably because LooseGoose (and I'm assuming Majesty) want us to fill out some form describing our impressions of our first year or so of the program, did it meet our expectations, and what we want them to do for us next. Now you're saying 'why the complaining, see how interested they are, how much they care for their students, what's the bitching about?!' Well...it's never that simple, or as clear as it looks on the surface. Academic politics are much more complicated. And this form is all about politics I think. Reports are due to our funding agency and they need to look good to them. Talk up how they're going to help us, support we'll get, and make it all look so slick and good.
sigh...I'm such a cynic.
All part of endofterm-itis...
Seriously...I do wonder somedays if this just isn't some form of adult ADD or related to what I saw mentioned in another blog about "conference ADD". And just to prove that particular point, while I'm reading the post mentioning that, it has this list of things that happen at conferences-- which I agree with way too much!-- and links to several other academic bloggers I wasn't familiar with. So off we go on a tangent... thanks so much to my pitiful attention span!
This one also has a post on things that can go 'wrong' or 'bad' at a conference. And that led to a post on academic job searches, and then another (gee, someone feels more down on themselves then I think I have been in quite some time...and if I actually read all of these posts right now I'd seriously be depressed!)-- interesting note in the post about a "dissertation seminar" and help with job searching. Gee, what's that?? Something Metro isn't going to be offering I'll bet.
I'm in one of 'those' moods re: Metro. Probably because LooseGoose (and I'm assuming Majesty) want us to fill out some form describing our impressions of our first year or so of the program, did it meet our expectations, and what we want them to do for us next. Now you're saying 'why the complaining, see how interested they are, how much they care for their students, what's the bitching about?!' Well...it's never that simple, or as clear as it looks on the surface. Academic politics are much more complicated. And this form is all about politics I think. Reports are due to our funding agency and they need to look good to them. Talk up how they're going to help us, support we'll get, and make it all look so slick and good.
sigh...I'm such a cynic.
All part of endofterm-itis...
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