Hop on and ride

It's all begun again...the school year, the grind, academic pressures and the race to the doctorate. A slow race at that...but it always feels like a competition.

While I'd love to tell myself, and anyone who's listening (yah right...who am I kidding, the only one reading these ramblings is me!) that I'm going to be less down, less bitter, less of a cynic and a ranter.... that's just a pipe dream. I may have good, or noble, intentions, but let's be real--this is grad school, a doctoral degree...and I will be miserable...often! Isn't that part of the point of the whole degree process? I'm sure some schools even count on it to weed students out. Not Metro U though, not my department...that would mean a loss of dollars, a loss of prestige and less to puff themselves up about. On the other hand, if they really gave a good damn about the health, well-being and progress of students, wouldn't there be more support??
Granted, gotta give it to 'em, they are making some strides there...or at least making it more visible that staff is in place to help support the students--we just have to ask for more help, cause they can't give what they don't know about. Fair. True. But I haven't had complaints about the staff...more about the Faculty. Maybe it's just that I keep chafing at being a square peg amongst round holes.

And now you're wondering what the hell am I doing in this U, in this dept. if I'm so out of place. For most disciplines, most fields, that's a very fair question and someone might be nuts to have gone somewhere they knew might make them miserable, and didn't completely support them...couldn't. But my field is unique (and no, I'm not just saying that). There just aren't many places that practice it, teach it, let alone have a PhD program. And I'm not some young 'kid' right out of college, with no commitments tieing me down, able to move anywhere in the country based on who has the best program, or the best fit for me. I had to go with what was available locally...and the funding support I'm getting is a huge piece of it too. Won't lie about that. Doubt I'd go for my PhD right now if it wasn't for that. Although sometimes the constraints it puts on me, the extra demands, the extra hoops, and the feeling of being someone else's damn experiment are just too much and I want to tell them all to just 'chuck it', they can shove their funding where the 'sun don't shine' just leave me alone.

but I'm all talk and no action......

On a good note, I like my classes. One is a nice change of pace, not as hard or demanding it seems (probably because it pulls many Masters students) and with a prof with a sense of humor, a bit of a rebel, non-conformist. I like that, I really do.
The other course is more methods, and will hopefully give me real hands-on experience and move me that much closer to my disseration topic, questions, and proposal. Advocate is teaching it, and also thinks my ideas on research so far are quite good and promising. It's such a relief to hear that. And a good bit of confidence bolstering.

Now if I can just get through a session of hoop-jumping coming up with Majesty, Loose-Goose, Pudding-Head and others. Astro, Mambo, Flash and I all have to jump the same firey hoops. I'm just more worried than they are. I think they did more this summer, have more concrete to show in this circus than I do. I copped out, I wussed, I ran, I got distracted, and didn't get enough concrete stuff done. I have great ideas, great readings and a direction for my own research...but not the concrete project I so hoped for, wanted to achieve. Because it was hard...too hard I think I determined...and I didn't feel I had the skills to do it justice. And I should've faced that down, but I took a more cowardly way out. And now I'm ashamed and scared.

I'm an ostrich. And sticking your head in the sand and hoping the trouble will blow over never works, no matter how often I do it. So why do I keep doing it? Why am I more afraid of rejection, of messing up, of some kind of failure...on smaller scales (becuase face it, if I had accepted the fear or the failure earlier it would still be small..not bigger like it always gets when you avoid it).

So the merry-go-round is back up and running and I'm trying not to get dizzy.

"Zotero - is this what we’ve been waiting for?"

Information Wants To Be Free » Blog Archive » Zotero - is this what we’ve been waiting for?

Interesting reference management tool and worth checking out further. Although I personally use RefWorks, and like the way it integrates into Word. Granted, I don't know how to use half of its features either, and I'm more patient on learning tools, watching tutorials and such than any undergrad would be. Ok, and to be 100% honest, I haven't logged my latest research citations into my RefWorks account because of the time and effort entailed when you find something outside of a library-sponsored database that links to RW. I.E. any resource or citation found in average web surfing, or through Google Scholar. So...maybe this would do the trick.
Except I too don't use Firefox... that's a whole other rant and lashing with a wet noodle.

What is the worth of words? - The Practical Futurist - MSNBC.com

What is the worth of words? - The Practical Futurist - MSNBC.com: "The obsessive measurement of long-form literacy is once more being used to flail an education trend that is in fact going in just the right direction. Today’s young people are not able to read and understand long stretches of text simply because in most cases they won’t ever need to do so.
It’s time to acknowledge that in a truly multimedia environment of 2025, most Americans don’t need to understand more than a hundred or so words at a time, and certainly will never read anything approaching the length of an old-fashioned book. "

OH. MY. GOD.
You have to be kidding me right? This is a piece of futurist satire, a joke, right?
He can't be serious in stating that reading isn't a vital skill, that no one needs to know how to read more than 100 words of text, that technology 'does it all' for us, and that reading isn't even a real 'ability'????

ARE YOU NUTS??!!!!
I'm not just saying this because I'm a student of information, I believe in technology and computers as whole heartedly as books, magazines, newspapers and other printed texts. I say this as someone who values the freedom, independence, self-reliance, and self-worth that come from being literate-- being able to READ. And I'm not talking about 100 words here or there, a few paragraphs, sounds bites, text snippets, text labels. I mean a whole news article, a commentary in a magazine, the recap of a sports event, a popular novel, a children's classic or part of the latest non-fiction best seller.

In our sound bite, quick clip, headline only driven world, this author seems to think that if our already ridiculously short attention spans can't digest it in a few words, than it must not be worth reading or knowing to begin with.

I'm so shocked, surprised, and pissed off at this view I can hardly think straight.

Ch..ch..ch..changes...

Now see, given the number of little thingies I checked, I can't believe I'm this much the same. Damn.
Still mulling over how good or bad this is....hmmmmmm.....

You've Changed 48% in 10 Years

You've done a good job changing with the times, but deep down, you're still the same person. You're clothes, job, and friends may have changed some - but it hasn't changed you.

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

Being an Atheist in America Isn't Easy - Newsweek Society - MSNBC.com

I find myself "off-topic" quite a bit in my postings. So maybe I need to revise my personal goals and objectives for this blog, or just give myself continued permission to write about whatever the hell interests me, riles me, moves me or confuses me.

It's not really like I'm writing for an audience afterall, as I'm fairly certain I'm the only one reading this! But in case not, and someone out in the Internet Ether was expecting more on grad school life-- 'sorry'...I've ventured away again.

I'll recap school in another post. In the meantime, something that strikes me, and should rattle a great many cages and upset readers. Good. Get out of your personal bubble, be willing to entertain new ideas, be ready to be challenged, and be ready to change your mind and not just blindly follow along. So click the link to the Newseek story and read...

Being an Atheist in America Isn't Easy - Newsweek Society - MSNBC.com

Brilliant, well-written commentary. Discusses Sam Harris's book "The End of Faith", a book that should be read by many, (but likely won't be because it challenges the 'status quo' and the very notions that are the heart of many people's personal beliefs. All the more reason to read it--we should challenge ourselves more often.)