What am I doing?

As the end of coursework draws ever nearer (hallelujah) and I suffer through the grinding and darn near worthless course taught by a LooseGoose in a subject that's supposed to be at or near the core of my whole phd existence, and I attempt to pull together readings that make sense on my diss topic and play 'find a theory' -- I wonder .... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING????!!!!!


"Gee, that's news!" NOT

I know, I know --- I've said it all before. But I sense as the coursework part winds down, the pressure on the dissertation work ramps up, the details and little nudges of our damn funding continue to make odd, sometimes idiosyncratic requests of us, and the future of near ABD status looms --- that things are only going to get harder. Or worse. Or worse and harder.
I'm not making as quick and steady and definitive a progress in my 'find a theory' and related reading work as I thought, or as my friends Astro and Mambo seem to be. I keep going off on little tangents, or just reading whatever comes from the last set of readings and playing the 'citation chain gang game'. Not that that's bad. It's not, it's good. It's just not what I thought I was going to be doing exactly, or more, what I think I'm supposed to be doing. And I have no idea whether I'm really making progress or not.

And I worry that I'm not worried enough about this. I worry that I don't know what I'm doing anymore, or right now, and that I'm losing my spark for this. Not good news heading into the end of coursework, the summer, and the long fall and more of ABD-land or ABD-dom.

Note to self

Do NOT ... I repeat NOT, take more than 2 grad school, PhD-y classes atthe same time, and certainly not 3, with one being at a different university, on a different academic topic, on a different academic calendar.

Unless of course you WANT to lose your sanity and precious sleep when terms start overlapping and the ramp-up reading for one course coincides with the finals, presentations and whopping papers of another course.

I'm nuts .... just plain freaking nuts. And I seriously question what on earth I was thinking or what I've gotten out of this little exercise?!!

I think, no I really hope, that as I finish the bloody paper for this off-campus 'extra' course that I figure out how it fits in and really moves me forward. Especially since it was my bloody idea to take the bloody thing in the first place!! Nuts I tell you, nuts.